Sorry the part two of the party segment has been taking awhile. Been busy with some typical life stuff, but I'll get to it eventually. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
How to Throw a Party That Doesn't Suck Ass and Make People Hate You (Chapter 1)
What's up, readers?
Have you ever been to one of those types of parties that were... just... just the worst? I'm not talking about ones where you run into that nigga who fucked your girl or the one where those stupid white college kids start trying to act out Kid and Play and, true to form, induce multiple vomits and suicide attempts. No, I'm talking about shit that would otherwise be easily avoidable. Shit that is fundamentally wrong with what is supposed to be a fun, drunken, magical environment that inspires laughter, dance, seamen-soaked carpeting, and stories for your grand kids. Having a cool party isn't rocket science, but in my many experiences at many of these shitty parties, some people just don't understand how to make that shit work. They believe that if you invite over 10 people over to their house that a party is just gonna magically happen through "the magic of friendship". NOOOOOPE.
 |
| If your parties look anything like this, read this blog post twice. |
"Well, Angry Biracial Geek", you may be asking, "what the fuck do
you know about throwing parties?"
I'm glad you asked, smart-ass.
Long story short, I partied A LOT in College. My own parties. I spent 3 years in college perfecting the throwing of parties by throwing one to two parties each weekend, tweaking shit each time until the results were to our (myself and my guests) liking. Our liking = a kick-ass party with banging music, a great ratio, fun shit to do, with a limited amount of bullshit, drama, and cops that lasted until, at least, 5am. Our parties were so awesome. Just soooo so awesome, that next to every other party I've ever experienced since, that wasn't sponsored by some liquor company, has paled in comparison.
Thus, I have finally felt the need to spit some knowledge to the world on how to throw a party that doesn't suck ass and make people hate you.
This segment will be broken up into 3 chapters: "Pre-planning", "Execution", and "Wrap Up" (no, I'm not talking condoms, but you should use them anyway). Just a heads up, incase you didn't already know, pre-planning is the most important part, and that is the part I will be covering today.
 |
| Yeah, I lost my hair later. Shut up. |
Long story short, I partied A LOT in College. My own parties. I spent 3 years in college perfecting the throwing of parties by throwing one to two parties each weekend, tweaking shit each time until the results were to our (myself and my guests) liking. Our liking = a kick-ass party with banging music, a great ratio, fun shit to do, with a limited amount of bullshit, drama, and cops that lasted until, at least, 5am. Our parties were so awesome. Just soooo so awesome, that next to every other party I've ever experienced since, that wasn't sponsored by some liquor company, has paled in comparison.
Thus, I have finally felt the need to spit some knowledge to the world on how to throw a party that doesn't suck ass and make people hate you.
This segment will be broken up into 3 chapters: "Pre-planning", "Execution", and "Wrap Up" (no, I'm not talking condoms, but you should use them anyway). Just a heads up, incase you didn't already know, pre-planning is the most important part, and that is the part I will be covering today.
(No, I will NOT cover "how to get laid at a party", "how to
be a good dancer", or "how to score
cocaine".)
This may sound obvious, but believe me when I say that some people just don't understand the difference between a "party" and a "get together". A "get together" is having a few close friends over to partake in some fun thingy ya'll equally enjoy doing like watching a movie, playing scrabble, having a BBQ, or whatever. Super laid-back, casual, and simple. Typically, these include yourself and no more than around 10 other people, and is mostly about you sharing shit you like to do at your house with an extended amount of buddies. It's improving a bond with your close friends.
A "party" is no less than 10 people and though you and your friends may receive enjoyment yourself from the activities (and you should), it is more abound entertaining a large crowd of people. The majority of the enjoyment you receive should be from enjoying their enjoyment. Throwing a party is about being one-part DJ, one-part event coordinator, one-part bouncer, one-part bartender, once-part bar-backer, and a hundred-parts entertainer. There are loads of responsibilities and hats you have to wear to throw a REAL party and not just host a jerk-off session with your close mates. If you don't want to wear all those (and more) hats, you might wanna think about massively scaling down your guest list to something you can count on two hands or less in order for your invites to not leave only 30 minutes after you open your door.
Want a lot of girls? Guys? Club types? Hood rats? Jocks? Sorority sisters? Take a moment to think of your ideal party guests: The type you want and the type you don't want.
If you want some young co-eds, maybe get some girly drinks or drink mixers they would enjoy. You like "grooving out" with a bunch of stoners? Better stock up on some sticky green beforehand. You prefer doing shit with sports fanatics? Throw a frisbee indoors (sorry, I don't really understand what sports people do for fun at parties).
The point is, make sure you have the people you want to have in your party in mind before you start sending out invites and keep the kind of people you don't want, or might not fit in with the type of people you do want there, out. Cater to your audience. This will all figure into the later steps as well when you figure out what liquor to buy, music to play, etc.
If you are broke, don't throw a party. Don't do the "BYOB" thing, it's stupid and makes you look like a cheap-ass. If you can't afford drinks for your guests, go party at a bar or have a small get-together instead.
Partying is not for those with the empty pockets. That said, if you buy smart, you don't need to spend too much cabbage, but making people bring their own drinks or chip in $10 at the door will leave a bad taste in your guests' mouths on arrival and the attendee-to-invite ratio will be way lower than if you just sucked it up and dropped a couple extra bucks on that extra case of beer. Try to estimate how much money you have with the amount of people you can afford to liquor up for an ENTIRE night with possibly a couple bottles left over the next day for insurance. The worst thing that can happen at a party (besides your music sucking balls) is for the alcohol to be gone, so you need to make sure you have enough cashflow to buy too much alcohol.
While you can maybe throw a party 100% on your own, I would highly advise against it unless you want to not be able to have any fun at your own party. Having more people involved with the party planning means that ya'll share the responsibilities and you'll each be able to both make sure everything is going well and that nothing gets out of hand.
Also, since there are multiple eyes on all the shit that's going on, you can all afford to each take the time to schmooze with the party goers and make sure one person isn't running around putting out fires to the point where you are just better off not even having a party in the first place due to the stress.
Having a friend or two chip in on the booze also makes the pre-planning phase go smoother as well. Just make sure that these folks helping you out are trust-worthy, since most likely they'll be helping you watch the door and make sure your shit doesn't get jacked, but more on that later...
Decide where you want most people at your party to congregate, what areas or rooms you want closed off, where to store your booze, etc. If you want people dancing, where is the dance floor? Plan that shit ahead of time, so you can re-arrange your place to make sure drunk idiots don't trip over shit and sue you or break your expensive crap. Got loose video game disks, cash, electronics, or valuables you would be pissed if got jacked? Store them in a spot only you and/or your close friends would have access to.
Ideally, you should lock your valuable shit up somewhere that requires a key to get in like a locked closet, safe, or even in the trunk of your car. You may trust the people you invite, but what about the folks they bring with them? You never know, so don't risk it. Also make sure people can easily access bathrooms and, most importantly, CLEAN UP ALL YOUR SHIT! ALL OF IT! Vacuum everything twice if you need to and make sure all your trash cans are empty.
Your party MUST have alcohol. Yes, even if you don't drink yourself. Your guests will and parties are all about keeping your guests at the party, so get the fucking alcohol. Use the advice I gave earlier and get enough variety where you cater to the types of people you'll be inviting.
The parties I threw usually had a combo of clubby-types, nerds, and wannabe sorority girls, so I stalked up on the types of drinks those people would usually like, such as Hennessy, IPAs and Malibu rum respectively. You'll want at least 3 different types of liquor since not everyone likes vodka and not everyone likes whiskey, etc.
For beer, you'll want two kinds: "good" beer and "shit" beer. The good beer, will be the beer you and the guests you know the best will most likely be sipping on near the start of the party as ya'll get stuff popping off. The shit beer is the beer the majority of your guest will be sipping on and what you and some of your guests will be sipping on while you're ramping down, but don't wanna lose your buzz. You'll also be using that shit beer for all your drinking games. NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. I repeat, NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. If you need me to explain what the difference between good beer and shit beer is, then you need a lot more help than this blog post can give you. Also, if beer pong is one of your drinking games, it's typically best to go with a "light" shitty beer, or else most people won't want to finish the game. Make sure you have a 3 to 1 shitty to good beer ratio and put a case or two of the shit beer on reserve in case you run out of everything else before the party is over.
Make sure you get mixers and shit too. You don't need to know how to make drinks, but your guests will probably love making their own just as well. Never hurts to show off your own bartending skills though, even if they're painfully mediocre. Take a Costco trip to get assloads of plastic cups and paper towels while you're at it. Don't use any ware at the party that you can't toss.
Also, invest in a big bag of chips. Just in case.
Music is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING (!!!!) at a party. Hands down. It's even more important than the alcohol or even your charming personality (that you definitely don't have). The choice of music can make or break a party in a second flat. Really, I could have made a separate post all about proper party music (and I still might), because this is the one area that most parties I've been to have failed at and, therefore, the party failed miserably.
Your music choice is the backbone of your party and without it everything else falls apart. As I said before, you have to put your own tastes aside in order to cater to the likes of your guests. You need your guests to move, laugh, dance, and be active, not falling asleep and looking at their watches or playing games on their phones.
You'll want music with good bass and that is upbeat. Turn off the emo shit, unless it's an emo party. Cut out the country, unless you only plan to have over the good-old boys. That shit is for those small get-togethers, not a party. If you're part of my millennial generation, the safest thing to bump is classic jams. Maybe a little old-school hip-hop, a little classic rock, some popular 80s and 70s upbeat top hits that anyone would know the words to, and a sprinkle of some recent top 40 to round it off. Make sure that it's shit most people know the words to.
If I were to suggest one single song that MUST be on every playlist in order for the party to be a party it would be Ain't No Fun off of Snoop Dogg's classic Doggystyle album. Everyone knows the words to that song, the lyrics are funny and make people smile, it inspires nostalgia, and is very dance-inducing. Not saying that you HAVE to put that song on your playlist, but no party I've ever thrown or been too that didn't suck ever didn't have that song play at least once. The music you play regardless should have that sort of feel to it.
Unless you have it playing just in your room when you got a one-on-one with that fly thang you been trying to get with all night, try to hold off on any slower music until near the end of the party when you are maybe an hour away from telling everyone to get the fuck out. That's what slow music does; make people wanna go home and go the fuck to sleep.
In terms of how to play the music, I always find it easiest to use some sort of wireless control to play it. That way, if a song comes on that most people don't dig, you can quickly skip it and carry on about your business. You can also always hire a DJ, but that costs money. Also, make sure that the music can be heard in every room you want your guest to be in. If you need multiple sources of sound, so be it. Even a cheap ass little blutooth speaker in your kitchen is better than just room tone.
Now this next part is VERY important: GAUGE YOU MUSIC'S VOLUME! Unless you want the cops at your door, make sure your music's volume isn't too loud. Unfortunately, you also have to make sure it isn't too soft either or else your guests won't be able to hear it over their loud drunk voices, so you'll need to figure that shit out and strike a good balance. What I used to do was have my friend fiddle with my sound system's volume, while I was outside the apartment listening to see if I could hear it through my door and if a potential neighbor could hear it. I wrote down the volume level number and made sure that the volume dial never crossed that number so that people in the hallways of my building couldn't hear to music.
It's also best to let your neighbors know that you'll be having a party and to give them a number they can reach you at in case they need you to quiet things down. It's better to do all that than have cops at your door. Chances are though that if you gauge your music's volume beforehand the neighbors won't be an issue
Chapter one: Pre-planning
Step 1: Make sure you actually wanna have a party!
 |
| Pictured: The Twin Al Bundy Technique |
This may sound obvious, but believe me when I say that some people just don't understand the difference between a "party" and a "get together". A "get together" is having a few close friends over to partake in some fun thingy ya'll equally enjoy doing like watching a movie, playing scrabble, having a BBQ, or whatever. Super laid-back, casual, and simple. Typically, these include yourself and no more than around 10 other people, and is mostly about you sharing shit you like to do at your house with an extended amount of buddies. It's improving a bond with your close friends.
A "party" is no less than 10 people and though you and your friends may receive enjoyment yourself from the activities (and you should), it is more abound entertaining a large crowd of people. The majority of the enjoyment you receive should be from enjoying their enjoyment. Throwing a party is about being one-part DJ, one-part event coordinator, one-part bouncer, one-part bartender, once-part bar-backer, and a hundred-parts entertainer. There are loads of responsibilities and hats you have to wear to throw a REAL party and not just host a jerk-off session with your close mates. If you don't want to wear all those (and more) hats, you might wanna think about massively scaling down your guest list to something you can count on two hands or less in order for your invites to not leave only 30 minutes after you open your door.
Step 2: Think about the kinds of
people you want at your party.
 |
| I minored in "full hands hugging". |
Want a lot of girls? Guys? Club types? Hood rats? Jocks? Sorority sisters? Take a moment to think of your ideal party guests: The type you want and the type you don't want.
If you want some young co-eds, maybe get some girly drinks or drink mixers they would enjoy. You like "grooving out" with a bunch of stoners? Better stock up on some sticky green beforehand. You prefer doing shit with sports fanatics? Throw a frisbee indoors (sorry, I don't really understand what sports people do for fun at parties).
The point is, make sure you have the people you want to have in your party in mind before you start sending out invites and keep the kind of people you don't want, or might not fit in with the type of people you do want there, out. Cater to your audience. This will all figure into the later steps as well when you figure out what liquor to buy, music to play, etc.
Step 3: Plan your budget.
 |
| No caption needed. |
If you are broke, don't throw a party. Don't do the "BYOB" thing, it's stupid and makes you look like a cheap-ass. If you can't afford drinks for your guests, go party at a bar or have a small get-together instead.
Partying is not for those with the empty pockets. That said, if you buy smart, you don't need to spend too much cabbage, but making people bring their own drinks or chip in $10 at the door will leave a bad taste in your guests' mouths on arrival and the attendee-to-invite ratio will be way lower than if you just sucked it up and dropped a couple extra bucks on that extra case of beer. Try to estimate how much money you have with the amount of people you can afford to liquor up for an ENTIRE night with possibly a couple bottles left over the next day for insurance. The worst thing that can happen at a party (besides your music sucking balls) is for the alcohol to be gone, so you need to make sure you have enough cashflow to buy too much alcohol.
Step 4: Get some help.
 |
| You could cut the dork-swag with a knife. |
While you can maybe throw a party 100% on your own, I would highly advise against it unless you want to not be able to have any fun at your own party. Having more people involved with the party planning means that ya'll share the responsibilities and you'll each be able to both make sure everything is going well and that nothing gets out of hand.
Also, since there are multiple eyes on all the shit that's going on, you can all afford to each take the time to schmooze with the party goers and make sure one person isn't running around putting out fires to the point where you are just better off not even having a party in the first place due to the stress.
Having a friend or two chip in on the booze also makes the pre-planning phase go smoother as well. Just make sure that these folks helping you out are trust-worthy, since most likely they'll be helping you watch the door and make sure your shit doesn't get jacked, but more on that later...
Step 5: Decide the layout.
 |
| Why so sober? (Sorry) |
Decide where you want most people at your party to congregate, what areas or rooms you want closed off, where to store your booze, etc. If you want people dancing, where is the dance floor? Plan that shit ahead of time, so you can re-arrange your place to make sure drunk idiots don't trip over shit and sue you or break your expensive crap. Got loose video game disks, cash, electronics, or valuables you would be pissed if got jacked? Store them in a spot only you and/or your close friends would have access to.
Ideally, you should lock your valuable shit up somewhere that requires a key to get in like a locked closet, safe, or even in the trunk of your car. You may trust the people you invite, but what about the folks they bring with them? You never know, so don't risk it. Also make sure people can easily access bathrooms and, most importantly, CLEAN UP ALL YOUR SHIT! ALL OF IT! Vacuum everything twice if you need to and make sure all your trash cans are empty.
Step 6: Get the alcohol.
 |
| Homeless people loved my dumpster. |
Your party MUST have alcohol. Yes, even if you don't drink yourself. Your guests will and parties are all about keeping your guests at the party, so get the fucking alcohol. Use the advice I gave earlier and get enough variety where you cater to the types of people you'll be inviting.
The parties I threw usually had a combo of clubby-types, nerds, and wannabe sorority girls, so I stalked up on the types of drinks those people would usually like, such as Hennessy, IPAs and Malibu rum respectively. You'll want at least 3 different types of liquor since not everyone likes vodka and not everyone likes whiskey, etc.
For beer, you'll want two kinds: "good" beer and "shit" beer. The good beer, will be the beer you and the guests you know the best will most likely be sipping on near the start of the party as ya'll get stuff popping off. The shit beer is the beer the majority of your guest will be sipping on and what you and some of your guests will be sipping on while you're ramping down, but don't wanna lose your buzz. You'll also be using that shit beer for all your drinking games. NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. I repeat, NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. If you need me to explain what the difference between good beer and shit beer is, then you need a lot more help than this blog post can give you. Also, if beer pong is one of your drinking games, it's typically best to go with a "light" shitty beer, or else most people won't want to finish the game. Make sure you have a 3 to 1 shitty to good beer ratio and put a case or two of the shit beer on reserve in case you run out of everything else before the party is over.
Make sure you get mixers and shit too. You don't need to know how to make drinks, but your guests will probably love making their own just as well. Never hurts to show off your own bartending skills though, even if they're painfully mediocre. Take a Costco trip to get assloads of plastic cups and paper towels while you're at it. Don't use any ware at the party that you can't toss.
Also, invest in a big bag of chips. Just in case.
Step 7: The Music.
 |
| If my left hand was a little lower, this wouldn't look right... |
Music is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING (!!!!) at a party. Hands down. It's even more important than the alcohol or even your charming personality (that you definitely don't have). The choice of music can make or break a party in a second flat. Really, I could have made a separate post all about proper party music (and I still might), because this is the one area that most parties I've been to have failed at and, therefore, the party failed miserably.
Your music choice is the backbone of your party and without it everything else falls apart. As I said before, you have to put your own tastes aside in order to cater to the likes of your guests. You need your guests to move, laugh, dance, and be active, not falling asleep and looking at their watches or playing games on their phones.
You'll want music with good bass and that is upbeat. Turn off the emo shit, unless it's an emo party. Cut out the country, unless you only plan to have over the good-old boys. That shit is for those small get-togethers, not a party. If you're part of my millennial generation, the safest thing to bump is classic jams. Maybe a little old-school hip-hop, a little classic rock, some popular 80s and 70s upbeat top hits that anyone would know the words to, and a sprinkle of some recent top 40 to round it off. Make sure that it's shit most people know the words to.
If I were to suggest one single song that MUST be on every playlist in order for the party to be a party it would be Ain't No Fun off of Snoop Dogg's classic Doggystyle album. Everyone knows the words to that song, the lyrics are funny and make people smile, it inspires nostalgia, and is very dance-inducing. Not saying that you HAVE to put that song on your playlist, but no party I've ever thrown or been too that didn't suck ever didn't have that song play at least once. The music you play regardless should have that sort of feel to it.
Unless you have it playing just in your room when you got a one-on-one with that fly thang you been trying to get with all night, try to hold off on any slower music until near the end of the party when you are maybe an hour away from telling everyone to get the fuck out. That's what slow music does; make people wanna go home and go the fuck to sleep.
In terms of how to play the music, I always find it easiest to use some sort of wireless control to play it. That way, if a song comes on that most people don't dig, you can quickly skip it and carry on about your business. You can also always hire a DJ, but that costs money. Also, make sure that the music can be heard in every room you want your guest to be in. If you need multiple sources of sound, so be it. Even a cheap ass little blutooth speaker in your kitchen is better than just room tone.
Now this next part is VERY important: GAUGE YOU MUSIC'S VOLUME! Unless you want the cops at your door, make sure your music's volume isn't too loud. Unfortunately, you also have to make sure it isn't too soft either or else your guests won't be able to hear it over their loud drunk voices, so you'll need to figure that shit out and strike a good balance. What I used to do was have my friend fiddle with my sound system's volume, while I was outside the apartment listening to see if I could hear it through my door and if a potential neighbor could hear it. I wrote down the volume level number and made sure that the volume dial never crossed that number so that people in the hallways of my building couldn't hear to music.
It's also best to let your neighbors know that you'll be having a party and to give them a number they can reach you at in case they need you to quiet things down. It's better to do all that than have cops at your door. Chances are though that if you gauge your music's volume beforehand the neighbors won't be an issue
Step 8: Party activities.
 |
| About to put balls in holes...Wait... |
This is
another area that most other people fuck
up in. It ain't enough that you have enough alcohol and decent music at your party, you also need shit for people to do!
Think about it, chances are that not everyone at your party is gonna drink
and not everyone at your party is
gonna wanna dance all the time, and most likely not everyone knows each other, so
where does that leave them? Going
home early. You don't want that,
because people leaving parties has that domino effect. You'll need to think
of some fun activities and you should
have at least 3 going on at the same
time over most of the party.
Some good ones I have used in the past are darts (though depending on the people at the party you may need to be careful of certain folks being around sharp objects), beer pong, various card games, flip cup, and video games. Video games are always a good go-to, because if you pick the right one, it requires zero maintenance on your part during the course of the party. Just pop in a game like Street Fighter, Smash Brothers, Mario Kart, or some classic N64 Goldeneye and leave the controllers for the guests to pick up and play. Everything from there should work itself out. I'm very surprised that more people don't have video games set up at their parties. Especially Street Fighter. Bitches love Street Fighter. I repeat, bitches love Street Fighter. They really do. I was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, have some fun shit to do besides drinking and dance and you your party will be above average for sure. Just make sure you have all that shit planned out and set up before the guests arrive and make sure that the things you set up are some things that don't necessary require you yourself to maintain and is something your guest can at least partially pick up and play on their own after you start it off.
This is kinda a spin-off of step 2, but it's needed specific here: Unless you doing a lame "no girls/boys allowed" shitfest, you need a good ratio of guys to girls at your party. I don't care if you yourself are single or not, this is for your guests.If there are 15 guys and 4 girls, both sexes are gonna start feeling uncomfortable real fast.
Typically, I find it best to have a bit more girls than guys at a party, not just because it's easier for the guys there to get laid and they got shit to look at, but also because the ladies (who don't need drunken-ass dudes doing drunken ass dude shit everywhere
Anyway, that's about it for Chapter 1 on pre-planning your party. We'll continue with Chapter 2: Execution next time where we'll go over how to maintain your party after it pops off and make sure it stays on point and keeps bumpin' till 6 in the morning (yes, Gin 'n Juice should also always be on your playlist too).
Peace.
Some good ones I have used in the past are darts (though depending on the people at the party you may need to be careful of certain folks being around sharp objects), beer pong, various card games, flip cup, and video games. Video games are always a good go-to, because if you pick the right one, it requires zero maintenance on your part during the course of the party. Just pop in a game like Street Fighter, Smash Brothers, Mario Kart, or some classic N64 Goldeneye and leave the controllers for the guests to pick up and play. Everything from there should work itself out. I'm very surprised that more people don't have video games set up at their parties. Especially Street Fighter. Bitches love Street Fighter. I repeat, bitches love Street Fighter. They really do. I was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, have some fun shit to do besides drinking and dance and you your party will be above average for sure. Just make sure you have all that shit planned out and set up before the guests arrive and make sure that the things you set up are some things that don't necessary require you yourself to maintain and is something your guest can at least partially pick up and play on their own after you start it off.
Step 9: Get that ratio
 |
| I can't think of anything to put here... Wait... |
This is kinda a spin-off of step 2, but it's needed specific here: Unless you doing a lame "no girls/boys allowed" shitfest, you need a good ratio of guys to girls at your party. I don't care if you yourself are single or not, this is for your guests.If there are 15 guys and 4 girls, both sexes are gonna start feeling uncomfortable real fast.
Typically, I find it best to have a bit more girls than guys at a party, not just because it's easier for the guys there to get laid and they got shit to look at, but also because the ladies (who don't need drunken-ass dudes doing drunken ass dude shit everywhere
they go) will have more of a female
presence around them and thus they
will feel more comfortable as if
there are a lot of girls. You also won't
have a million stupid-ass dudes all
trying to holler at the few girls
that are there, like most bars these days.
In terms of inviting the right ratio that's kind on you and your network. What I used to do in college was invite co-workers, random groups of girls around campus, good friends, and their friends of friends. I also always made sure to invite double the amount of women to my parties as men and made sure to let girls know not to bring any extra dudes. Just keep the whole guy-to-girl ratio thing in the back of your head when making out the invites. Your guests will greatly appreciate it.
In terms of inviting the right ratio that's kind on you and your network. What I used to do in college was invite co-workers, random groups of girls around campus, good friends, and their friends of friends. I also always made sure to invite double the amount of women to my parties as men and made sure to let girls know not to bring any extra dudes. Just keep the whole guy-to-girl ratio thing in the back of your head when making out the invites. Your guests will greatly appreciate it.
Anyway, that's about it for Chapter 1 on pre-planning your party. We'll continue with Chapter 2: Execution next time where we'll go over how to maintain your party after it pops off and make sure it stays on point and keeps bumpin' till 6 in the morning (yes, Gin 'n Juice should also always be on your playlist too).
Peace.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Gym attire and the people who fuck it up
I'm at the gym right now and I've always wondered one thing:
What the hell is up with people that go to the gym?
Half of the people here dress like they are trying to win an award for the best dressed person at the gym and the other half dress like they are trying to win an award for the worst dressed person at the gym. I see these folks with these custom made $100 tank tops and $300 bright white air Jordan's running on dirty ass treadmills, ensuring that they'll be spending another $400 to replace them in a week. On the other hand, you got those weirdos who wear a business casual collared shirt, jeans, and dress shoes (DRESS SHOES!!!) while they are doing their reps on the pull-up bar and benches. Are they trying to make a statement? Are they trying to impress people? I don't see the logic because, first off, no one who's sane wants to talk to anyone they don't already know at the gym. It's fucking awkward and wastes time on what you're actually trying to do at the gym... Which is working out, in case you didn't know. And it's not like these people with the work clothes on just stumbled into a gym one day. They paid for a fucking membership. That's premeditated shit. They should know better. If I didn't have priors, I'd walk up and slap one of these folks upside the head.
Dressing for the gym is the simplest thing ever. It is arguable the easiest thing to dress for next to picking up Doritos at a 7-11 at 1am. T-shirt(or jersey/wifebeater if you must show off your armpit fro to the populace), shorts or sweatpants, and some kind of athletic shoes you don't really care about. That's it. Simple. If you fuck that up, I worry about how your kids turn out.
In conclusion, as with most of my other world advice, don't be a dumbass. Also, don't hover over me waiting for me to be done witha weight machine when you see me just get on it 2 seconds ago. Either wait patiently like I had to, or do something else. Sheesh, these people...
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Confessions of an ABG - vlog
UPDATE 6/1/16: Videos didn't turn out how I wanted, so I removed them for now, until I can get a better format worked out. I'll let you know when I start it up again. In the meantime, don't forget to check out my gaming-related YouTube channel: Minority Gamer Report. Peace.
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Sup everyone. I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but I'm hoping to get some shit ramping up again soon.
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Sup everyone. I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but I'm hoping to get some shit ramping up again soon.
I've decided to give video blogging on YouTube a try. I recently posted my first video (which is pretty much just me saying a bunch of random shit in from of a green screen). Audio isn't the greatest, but I hope this will serve as a prototype for future monthly videos that will be in a similar format as this written blog (aka, me ranting about nerdy shit that bothers me). If you enjoy this and want to see me, shoot me over a like and/or subscribe. Cheers!
Check out the video here:
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Samus vs Mega Man
So we cad this discussion in one of my Facebook groups. I personally was going with Samus, but my friend here made a good point that forced me to have to rethink my choice...
Friday, October 30, 2015
Check Out My Other Site; Minority Gamer Report
Hey everyone.
Just wanna quickly tell you all about my other site/sorta blog I've been working on: Minority Gamer Report.
It's been active for awhile now and here I discuss all game-related stuff. I do gameplay videos, original videos on some shit, write articles, include guest writers/contributors, and I even have a video of my Dad's reactions to Mortal Kombat fatalities. So check it out if you're into gaming.
Also look at my YouTube as well. I post some gameplay videos on there every week or so.
Peace.
Just wanna quickly tell you all about my other site/sorta blog I've been working on: Minority Gamer Report.
It's been active for awhile now and here I discuss all game-related stuff. I do gameplay videos, original videos on some shit, write articles, include guest writers/contributors, and I even have a video of my Dad's reactions to Mortal Kombat fatalities. So check it out if you're into gaming.
Also look at my YouTube as well. I post some gameplay videos on there every week or so.
Peace.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Happy Halloween Week!
Yo, so this is Halloween week!
(I don't think the term "Halloween Week" is a thing, but I'm making it one, so there.)
One thing that a lot of folks are doing this year (and by folks, I mean stupid White people) is dressing up in Blackface in order to "dress up as their favorite character" who happens to be Black.
We saw this a while back with the White chick who was trying to be Michonne from The Walking Dead
Of course, other White people were quick to defend this guy, such as this lovely example...
Very cute... OK, so first off, the biggest difference is that, in the movie White Chicks (left), they were actually undercover as... White chicks. Same thing as RDJ character in Tropic Thunder (who was a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude). It's part of a PLOT... In a MOVIE. This teacher one (right) isn't. Also, why do you have to be in Black face to be Kanye tho? Why not just wear his clothes? Stupid.
Then there's, oh I don't know, THE ENTIRE RACIST/DEGRADING HISTORY OF BLACKFACE. I won't go into it (because if you don't know the concept, you are a moron and I'm not wasting my time with you), but just because I believe in education and knowing one's history, please spool through this very imformative website here: http://black-face.com/
There is also wikipedia, and a thing called "basic knowledge".
Any-who, here's my own Halloween costume for 2015:
Edward Nygma, aka The Riddler. Pretty good, right? Now notice the lack of Whiteface I used.
Be safe everyone. Peace.
(I don't think the term "Halloween Week" is a thing, but I'm making it one, so there.)
One thing that a lot of folks are doing this year (and by folks, I mean stupid White people) is dressing up in Blackface in order to "dress up as their favorite character" who happens to be Black.
We saw this a while back with the White chick who was trying to be Michonne from The Walking Dead
This "stupid White people in blackface" was more recently done on a larger scale by UCLA students at a frat party this month which basically ended up being a direct copy of the 3rd act of the movie Dear White People, without any of the intentional irony of a feature film written as a satire.
Even more recently, last week, an idiot teacher (!!!) in Alabama dressed in Blackface to pretend to be Kanye West. Hi apology included one of the following:
Very cute... OK, so first off, the biggest difference is that, in the movie White Chicks (left), they were actually undercover as... White chicks. Same thing as RDJ character in Tropic Thunder (who was a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude). It's part of a PLOT... In a MOVIE. This teacher one (right) isn't. Also, why do you have to be in Black face to be Kanye tho? Why not just wear his clothes? Stupid.
Then there's, oh I don't know, THE ENTIRE RACIST/DEGRADING HISTORY OF BLACKFACE. I won't go into it (because if you don't know the concept, you are a moron and I'm not wasting my time with you), but just because I believe in education and knowing one's history, please spool through this very imformative website here: http://black-face.com/
There is also wikipedia, and a thing called "basic knowledge".
Any-who, here's my own Halloween costume for 2015:
Edward Nygma, aka The Riddler. Pretty good, right? Now notice the lack of Whiteface I used.
Be safe everyone. Peace.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
To All You Pretentious People on Social Media who talk shit but can't back it up...
So I got made today at this dude online who kept posting fake/clickbait articles online, as is the new trend to do. After posting multiple confirmed sources that proved what the guy was claiming was 100% and from a 100% fake website, the guy still kept raving on and on, so I finally ended up this long ass response and bounced. I think this will now be my permanent response to pretentious keyboard warriors:
The funny thing is that everyone that's like you always
thinks that THEY have all the answers themselves. That it's all about them and
THEY are the ones to "bring the knowledge to the people". That THEY
are the ones who found that key tiny piece of info that everyone one missed.
That THEY are right and we are wrong, because THEY found something random
online and it makes them feel special and more enlightened than everyone else.
Then when one of "us" finds something that proves what they find to
be incorrect or inconclusive it takes all that special-ness and superiority
away and I bet that doesn't feel to good, does it? So what do people like you
do? They ignore it and press on, playing sociopathic mental gymnastics to try
to keep their false superiority over "us" so that they can keep their
smug self-satisfaction.
Guess what? You're not special. You're not some kind of
journalistic genius. You're not a detective. You don't even have the tenacity to
filter the "info" you take in, unless it doesn't fit with your false
conceived notions. You're just confirming what you want to hear. Having an
internet subscription doesn't make you a fucking doctor, scientist, or
philosopher, If you were anything special you'd be making money doing it or
would at the very least not be that arguing bullshit on fucking FACEBOOK with
another insignificant person who you don't even know and will never meet in
person or will ever have any sort of real relationship with in real life
outside of a broadband connection.
You're just a normal fool like everyone else on FB who isn't
making a real difference in the world other than tweeting and texting bullshit
to fool themselves into thinking they are important. When you realize that,
you'll be a much healthier human being.
Go ride a bike or jog or something or sign up for
Greenpeace.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
New Star Wars trailer got me happy.
Hey everyone,
It's been awhile and I haven't really touched this blog in a long time (check out my other site I've been messing around with: minoritygamerreport.com). Been doing a lot of soul searching, spacing out, whacking off, twiddling my thumbs and other useless stuff since my last post way back in January (which looks like was another Star Wars post). I'm too lazy to do anything else productive right now, so why not write some bullshit on here, right?
Anyway, I'm sure most of you have seen the latest Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer that debuted today during the NFL (or if you are a sports-illiterate nerdy nigga like me, save for some Basketball, you just caught it online). If you haven't seen the trailer, go get into a car and drive off a cliff. If you are not near a cliff, don't have a car and/or license, then find some alternate method to remove yourself from Earth. You are wasting your life and it is too late for you. Leave. Now. Anyway, anyway, the trailer was AMAZING, right????!!!! Holy shit-skittles!
YES! Just... yes! Hollywood needs to do more trailers like this. Keep in mind that this is the "final" trailer for the movie, and we still haven't had much of the film spoiled... at all! The trailer gives you just enough to make you jizz gallons through the denim of your jeans and cry like a 2-year-old. In an age where movie trailers show basically the entire film (See Terminator Genisys) this is a great breath of fresh air. I can't wait!
Now there's all this dumb shit online about stupid racist idiots saying that the will "boycott" the film because of their being a Black man and a female (who is White, FYI) as the lead characters. I'm not even going to say anymore about this, because it's stupid. It's beyond stupid. I hope the guy who tweeted that gets gonorrhea and burns in Hell. That doesn't really bother me though, because it's so stupid that it's not even worth being bothered by.
What really bothers me is this dude in one of my Facebook's groups who wrote "the Black Jedi!" in referenece to his excitment over seeing Finn's character in the trailer. Dude... just say "Jedi". No one said "oh look! It's the White Jedi!" in any of the other films. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. Plus, we got Mace.
It's been awhile and I haven't really touched this blog in a long time (check out my other site I've been messing around with: minoritygamerreport.com). Been doing a lot of soul searching, spacing out, whacking off, twiddling my thumbs and other useless stuff since my last post way back in January (which looks like was another Star Wars post). I'm too lazy to do anything else productive right now, so why not write some bullshit on here, right?
Anyway, I'm sure most of you have seen the latest Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer that debuted today during the NFL (or if you are a sports-illiterate nerdy nigga like me, save for some Basketball, you just caught it online). If you haven't seen the trailer, go get into a car and drive off a cliff. If you are not near a cliff, don't have a car and/or license, then find some alternate method to remove yourself from Earth. You are wasting your life and it is too late for you. Leave. Now. Anyway, anyway, the trailer was AMAZING, right????!!!! Holy shit-skittles!
Now there's all this dumb shit online about stupid racist idiots saying that the will "boycott" the film because of their being a Black man and a female (who is White, FYI) as the lead characters. I'm not even going to say anymore about this, because it's stupid. It's beyond stupid. I hope the guy who tweeted that gets gonorrhea and burns in Hell. That doesn't really bother me though, because it's so stupid that it's not even worth being bothered by.
What really bothers me is this dude in one of my Facebook's groups who wrote "the Black Jedi!" in referenece to his excitment over seeing Finn's character in the trailer. Dude... just say "Jedi". No one said "oh look! It's the White Jedi!" in any of the other films. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. Plus, we got Mace.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Mace Windu's Death in Revenge of the Sith is a Metaphor for the American Welfare System.
... or not. I don't know...
I'm just saying that when the only powerful Black dude in the entire galaxy gets electrocuted by an old White guy, has his arm cut off by a young White guy, and then gets thrown out a window AND no one ever talks about it ever again afterwards... it GOTS to symbolize something, right?
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Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Batman Arkham Knight gameplay trailer
So I just watched this today and I'm very angry, because now I have to wash my pants.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Movie Hipsters
Hey there everyone. Time to jump on that old soapbox again.
I've been noticing a trend that's been going on on the internet, and that trend is "Movie Hipsters". For those of you that don't internet movie shit (and you'd be one of the lucky ones), "Movie Hipsters" are the types of people that find any reason they can to dislike a critically acclaimed movie in order to seem cool/smarter than they really are. They also tend to hate any/all remakes that come out, regardless of quality, and they try to make themselves look cool by saying that the original version, regardless of quality, is better because it was more "fun". That's what they always say; "more fun".
I've been noticing a trend that's been going on on the internet, and that trend is "Movie Hipsters". For those of you that don't internet movie shit (and you'd be one of the lucky ones), "Movie Hipsters" are the types of people that find any reason they can to dislike a critically acclaimed movie in order to seem cool/smarter than they really are. They also tend to hate any/all remakes that come out, regardless of quality, and they try to make themselves look cool by saying that the original version, regardless of quality, is better because it was more "fun". That's what they always say; "more fun".
Thursday, January 2, 2014
I HATE BURTON'S BATMAN
Hello peeps,
Let you in on two little know facts about myself: A) I'm a huge movie buff, and B) I'm a monsterous Batman freak (Ladies please, please try to keep your panties on). I also tend to be a snob when it comes to both of these subjects. I'm one of those assholes where if you ask me how I felt about I certain movie I begin my reply with "Well it started off strong, but once it hit that 3rd act blah blah blah, character archs, blah blah..." before going into a long-winded, grammatically incorrect, rant for about 15 minutes, of which you probably/hopefully tuned out after I said "3rd act". Discussion with me about Batman are similar except worse because then I start quoting lines from the freaking comic books like they're Bible scriptures (not to say that they aren't) to people that couldn't care less and have no idea who the hell Killer Moth even is (nor should they). So when the discussion of Batman movies is brought to my attention, I tend to be, to put it extra mildly, very opinionated.
Let you in on two little know facts about myself: A) I'm a huge movie buff, and B) I'm a monsterous Batman freak (Ladies please, please try to keep your panties on). I also tend to be a snob when it comes to both of these subjects. I'm one of those assholes where if you ask me how I felt about I certain movie I begin my reply with "Well it started off strong, but once it hit that 3rd act blah blah blah, character archs, blah blah..." before going into a long-winded, grammatically incorrect, rant for about 15 minutes, of which you probably/hopefully tuned out after I said "3rd act". Discussion with me about Batman are similar except worse because then I start quoting lines from the freaking comic books like they're Bible scriptures (not to say that they aren't) to people that couldn't care less and have no idea who the hell Killer Moth even is (nor should they). So when the discussion of Batman movies is brought to my attention, I tend to be, to put it extra mildly, very opinionated.
Dear modern day rappers
Dear modern day rappers,
Please stop taking older and more talented rappers' lyrics and throwing them into your songs in order to try to make yourself seem more clever than you actually are. It's lazy, annoying, and just ends up proving that you can't write for crap. Please stop. Now. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Karlton W. Hester
PS: Try to make some better beats that don't all sound like the same shit too. Cheers!
Please stop taking older and more talented rappers' lyrics and throwing them into your songs in order to try to make yourself seem more clever than you actually are. It's lazy, annoying, and just ends up proving that you can't write for crap. Please stop. Now. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Karlton W. Hester
PS: Try to make some better beats that don't all sound like the same shit too. Cheers!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The 10 Most Important Things I Learned from 2013
2013 is dead. Long live 2013!
Now that we have a fresh new year (2014 for those of you that lost count) to look forward to, it is very important to reflect on what we learned from the previous year and apply it to the future in order to not make the same dumb-ass mistakes we all made in '13 and keep climbing that treacherous hill of life with new-found strength.
So here's the 10 most important things I learned from 2013:
10. Unhappiness is a huge waste of time. Keep doing other crap instead and you'll avoid it.
9. It is very possible to kill people with kindness while, at the same time, not being a little sissy pussy bitch about it.
8. No one owes you shit and, even if they do, they will most likely not give it to you. Be your own person, work hard, be nice to everyone, and you'll get where you want to be.
7. The "bros" in "bros before hoes" can be females as well.
6. Miley Cyrus contributes absolutely nothing positive to society.
5. Discipline and empathy are the two most underrated and underused things ever.
4. Working out solves most problems.
3. Put the pussy on the chainwax. Always.
2. It's better to give than receive. This applies to both Christmas presents and sex.
1. Laughter really is the best medicine. Drink it in, mothafuckas!
Enjoy 2014 everyone! Cheers!
Now that we have a fresh new year (2014 for those of you that lost count) to look forward to, it is very important to reflect on what we learned from the previous year and apply it to the future in order to not make the same dumb-ass mistakes we all made in '13 and keep climbing that treacherous hill of life with new-found strength.
So here's the 10 most important things I learned from 2013:
10. Unhappiness is a huge waste of time. Keep doing other crap instead and you'll avoid it.
9. It is very possible to kill people with kindness while, at the same time, not being a little sissy pussy bitch about it.
8. No one owes you shit and, even if they do, they will most likely not give it to you. Be your own person, work hard, be nice to everyone, and you'll get where you want to be.
7. The "bros" in "bros before hoes" can be females as well.
6. Miley Cyrus contributes absolutely nothing positive to society.
5. Discipline and empathy are the two most underrated and underused things ever.
4. Working out solves most problems.
3. Put the pussy on the chainwax. Always.
2. It's better to give than receive. This applies to both Christmas presents and sex.
1. Laughter really is the best medicine. Drink it in, mothafuckas!
Enjoy 2014 everyone! Cheers!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
6 Most Annoying Things I've Learned After Living 7 Years in San Francisco
I'm not a world-weary traveler by any means, but I've been around a little. I'm originally from Staten Island (NY), lived upstate for decade, and then moved to California where I've lived all over from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles and San Francisco, which I've been at for the longest. All the places I've been have their pros and cons (NY has great people but shitty-ass weather and LA has sometimes shitty people but excellent weather, etc) but none of these places hold a candle to the weirdness that I've discovered while living in San Francisco. The first couple years I spent going to college here I thought I was losing my mind, or was just a shitty human being who failed at life, because stuff that SFers found normal and cool I always found dumb, gross or illogical. It wasn't until I started taking occasional breaks from the city, as well as chatting it up with other transplants that had the exact same issues I did with "The City by the Bay", that I finally stumbled upon a magnificent discovery: SAN FRANCISCO IS FUCKING WEIRD!
And not that "kinda cool weird" feeling you get when watching an episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I mean the overly annoyingly annoying weird that makes you want to gouge out your eyeballs, rip off your ears, and cut out your tongue so that you can't see, hear, or speak of it ever again. You know that horrible student film you made in college that you never ever want anyone to see because the acting was terrible and the plot didn't make any sense? That's San Francisco.
And with that, here's the 6 most annoying Things I've learned after living 7 Years in San Francisco:
1) Any form of transportation straight up sucks (that includes walking)
When it comes to how I get around, like most people in SF, I usually alternate between three things; walking, driving, and taking public trans (MUNI, for those you not from here). The reason why I switch between these things, without relying on one or the other too much is because... well... relying on any one of these too much would drive the average person completely bat-shit insane (which basically explains the entire Tenderloin).
You'd think SF would be a great place to walk; it's a very compact city that has a lot of NYC influences, shops are typically right around the corner from where you live, and the scenery is unquestionably beautify around here. The reason why it sucks ass is because there's dog shit, used condoms, and human shit literally sprinkled around on every single block. It's not even off to the side or anything, it's literally plopped in the middle of the sidewalks to the point where you have to long jump over it. I'm sure there's some shoe cleaner company that makes a mint off of this city.
Driving in San Francisco is a private hell in itself, because everyone drives slow (thus making rush hours just as bad as Los Angeles), there's no place to park, and the meter people hand out tickets like they're Jolly Ranchers and it's Halloween. Plus the roads are unkempt, way too narrow on two-way streets, and don't make any logical sense from a city planning perspective. You can't make left turns anywhere, roads change names without warning, and some street-signs are flat out missing. That's all I'm going to say about driving in SF, because it's already pissing me off just thinking about it.
And then there's SF's famous MUNI system, which NEVER runs on time, breaks down twice a day (always during peak hours too) and closes at 11:45 on weekends basically diving you the choice to either give yourself a nice little DUI/car death or pay $40 for a cab where the driver "forgets" how to use both his GPS and credit card machine. The city decided to make the Simpsons' Springfield decision to waste all their spare money to make a shitty shuttle that goes from downtown to Chinatown (which, if you're ever visited, you know is basically walking distance) instead of modernizing their entire public trans system, which as of 2013, has received record-breaking complaints from it's citizens over it's hilarious inefficiency and poor management.
2)There's zero logic when it comes to the dating scene
=HOT!!!
=Ugly as a paper bag full of turds that you had to pay 10 cents for.
I'm just gonna be straight up and say that I have a very hard time getting a date in this city. Like even one date. I'm not a shy dude either, I ask girls out all the time and am pretty chatty/friendly/confident by nature, but it never gets me anywhere. This is a problem I have never had anywhere else in any other place except for SF. Sure, I've been dumped/rejected before, many times in fact, but not even being able to get ONE date from girls that I know 100% are single (and straight) is something that I've found exclusively to be a huge factor in SF.
At the risk of sounding like I masturbate to my of reflection (only on Thursday mornings, for the record), I'm not a "bad looking" guy. In fact, I'm pretty decent looking. I also am in good shape, tall, have a good steady job, try to keep myself well-groomed, and am, in general, a well-mannered upstanding contributing member of society (despite that all my blog suggesting otherwise). I've never cheated on anyone nor intentionally done anyone any harm. I'd totally fuck me (a lot of people even tell me on a daily basis that I should).
So when I try to get a date from a girl I like in San Francisco I ALWAYS get one of two responses: Ether she says "I don't know you well enough as a friend to go on a date with you" (isn't the "gettimg to know you" thing the whole part of the first date? I don't want to date my sister, thanks...) or she says "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a lot right now and just want to concentrate on me right now" (I'm asking you to dinner, not giving you a ring. Just take the damn free meal!). Every. Single. Time. Normally when I get rejected in other cities it's usually an acceptable "you're not my type" or a even more acceptable "fuck no", but it's the fact the all SF ladies give similar answers is what really weird me out. And the WEIRDEST this is that this isn't exclusive to your's truly either. Every single guy (and even some women I know that aren't from here but are friends with girls who are) I talk to that is single, who is well mannered, decent looking, and not from SF, tells me they encounter the exact same problem on the regular from here. And these are guys that were getting dates left in right in other cities.
And the craziest thing happens when you take the time to observe who is actually getting dates in San Francisco and doesn't have this problem. Seriously, if you live here, just go outside for a couple hours and see what couples look like around here: All the most beautiful, accomplished girls, are always with the most homeless looking, uneducated, rude, ugly, out of shape, smelly, lazy, immature guys you'll ever see (I'm platonic friends with many of these ladies, so I'm not just pulling shit out of my ass here). And I'm not exaggerating because I'm bitter (I actually find the whole situation hilarious), that's actually the types of dudes around here girls find to be on a Chaninng Tatum level of hotness here. And these dudes they hook up with aren't a "beauty is skin deep" thing either; most are unemployed, alcoholics, cheaters, beaters, or just plain bad human beings. The worst part is, the girls that date these guys, don't think there's anything abnormal about how they treat them. The dude cheats on them or get arrested several times, SF girls be like "boys will be boys" and just continue on with the relationship with Mr. Evil Joe Dirt. And when the girl finally wises up and breaks up with the guy... The just go and and date the next guy they find that looks and acts exactly like the last one, thus the cycle continues.
And it isn't even like these guys have game or anything either. You see that drunk off his ass slob that came to the bar alone, instigates 4 fights per bar, can barely form words and dropped the last 2 drinks that were served to him? Well that is the guy that always pulls mad bitches on a Friday night. That's like if a 100% less suave and 100% more drunk Pierce Bronson never cleaned himself up when he great his hair out in Die Another Day and still managed to pull 6 Halle Berry's. I mean, I might as well quit my job, stop bathing, shaving, and live on the streets if I wanted to be a be pimp in this city.
Speaking of living on the streets...
3)The housing situation is basically an extortion scheme
I'm very happy to be living in the place I'm at, because I've seen firsthand what SF's housing situation is like. My place isn't the Ritz Carlton (Hey! That's my name too... but lame because it's not spelled with a K. K's are cool!) the shower pressure is shit, the lights flicker on and off, and shit's falling apart all the time, BUT it's basically the playboy mansion compared to what else is out there for under $2,000 a month.
Take a quick look at these postings on Craigslist:
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/apa/
Notice a trend? All the affordable places are either in horrible neighborhoods, have a HUGE list of Nazi rules (like no overnight guests and no cooking), or are basically the size of a closet. And the worst part is, people literally line up bid on these small ass rooms, sometimes even offering more money for them than the initial price, because affordable housing is so scarce to the point of paying $800 just to life in a room that looks like this:
4)Everything in the city is strictly catered to the hipster crowed to the point where it's ridiculous
Everything in SF caters to a specific crowed: Those that hate the mainstream. This wouldn't necessarily be a terrible thing, but when EVERY place is like then, then the whole thing is a total oxymoron, because you're just making the weird and obscure into... the new mainstream. Now I've never considered myself to be associated with any specific crowed in general, I hate listening to Drake, but I dig Kanye West (recovering gay fish dating a Hobbit and all), and listen to a lot of Earth Wind and Fire. I just like what I like. I don't go out of my way to be a part of a certain culture. So when I go out to a bar, event, or other social setting, I get a little annoyed when every single place goes out of it was to cater strictly to people that are overly obsessed with banjos, wine, vinyl, strictly college only sports teams, and who love talking about ex Presidents and country music. That's seriously 90% of what you'll find if you go to a 4+ star reviewed bar that you found on Yelp. Every social spot is so ridiculously non mainstream that I am tempted to lock myself in a closet and blast horrible Top-40 Beiber music until my eardrums exploded just for a change of pace.
Also, no one is ever on the dace floor at these places for some reason. It's like "why didn't you just drink at home?". People tend to not socialize with other people unless they already know them, and the whole atmosphere in all these, supposedly social, spots is always very alienating. I went to a Lil' Jon DJ event at a very popular SF club last Saturday and almost everyone in the crowd was just standing around, looking board. No one was even getting crunk (which is basically the entire point in being in Lil' Jon's presence)! Sad...just... just sad.
5)The weather has A.D.D.
(SF in July)
If you venture outside on an average day in SF, you'll notice two things; 1. There's a totally different climate in each district you go to, and 2. each area's climate changes ever other hour. And I'm not talking about it being warm during the day and then cooling off at night, I'm talking it being 50 degrees in the morning, 80 degrees mid morning, 40 degrees in the early afternoon, 70 degrees at lunchtime, and then and continuous alteration between 50 and 30 degrees with wind from early evening until midnight. And every other day after that is just other random shit. And if you drive to Oakland or San Jose (which aren't far from SF... at all) you get normal Northern California weather. It's like God's retarded brother Mickey, who's also addicted to sugar and paint, is solely in charge of this city's climate.
Now, you might be wondering at this point "Why they hell do YOU live here if you have so many issues with San Francisco?". Well I'm glad you asked that, homie, because that brings me to the final thing I find annoying about living in this city...
6)You'll end up staying here because it's also too damn easy to find a good, well-paying job compared to the cities that you actually want to live in
You don't see our McDonald employees protesting as much as the ones in NYC. You know why? Minimum wage here is going to be $11 probably within the next year. That's why. It most cities, you work one shitty-ass job for years and years, struggling to get by. Here?
Well let me just use myself as an example; I went from making minimum wage at a Nike store, to working at a condo complex, to working in sales at a start-up company, to making a respectable salary with benefits working in the financial district. All within a year. I didn't hunt down managers, I didn't have any connections, I didn't fuck my way to the top. All I did was keep updating my resume on Indeed.com and applied to whatever looked like a better job I currently had, maybe once or twice a week, until I finally ended up at the one I wanted in the first place.
I would rap this article up with something insightful to take away from my latest rant... but nope.
You can stop reading now.
And not that "kinda cool weird" feeling you get when watching an episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I mean the overly annoyingly annoying weird that makes you want to gouge out your eyeballs, rip off your ears, and cut out your tongue so that you can't see, hear, or speak of it ever again. You know that horrible student film you made in college that you never ever want anyone to see because the acting was terrible and the plot didn't make any sense? That's San Francisco.
And with that, here's the 6 most annoying Things I've learned after living 7 Years in San Francisco:
1) Any form of transportation straight up sucks (that includes walking)
When it comes to how I get around, like most people in SF, I usually alternate between three things; walking, driving, and taking public trans (MUNI, for those you not from here). The reason why I switch between these things, without relying on one or the other too much is because... well... relying on any one of these too much would drive the average person completely bat-shit insane (which basically explains the entire Tenderloin).
You'd think SF would be a great place to walk; it's a very compact city that has a lot of NYC influences, shops are typically right around the corner from where you live, and the scenery is unquestionably beautify around here. The reason why it sucks ass is because there's dog shit, used condoms, and human shit literally sprinkled around on every single block. It's not even off to the side or anything, it's literally plopped in the middle of the sidewalks to the point where you have to long jump over it. I'm sure there's some shoe cleaner company that makes a mint off of this city.
Driving in San Francisco is a private hell in itself, because everyone drives slow (thus making rush hours just as bad as Los Angeles), there's no place to park, and the meter people hand out tickets like they're Jolly Ranchers and it's Halloween. Plus the roads are unkempt, way too narrow on two-way streets, and don't make any logical sense from a city planning perspective. You can't make left turns anywhere, roads change names without warning, and some street-signs are flat out missing. That's all I'm going to say about driving in SF, because it's already pissing me off just thinking about it.
And then there's SF's famous MUNI system, which NEVER runs on time, breaks down twice a day (always during peak hours too) and closes at 11:45 on weekends basically diving you the choice to either give yourself a nice little DUI/car death or pay $40 for a cab where the driver "forgets" how to use both his GPS and credit card machine. The city decided to make the Simpsons' Springfield decision to waste all their spare money to make a shitty shuttle that goes from downtown to Chinatown (which, if you're ever visited, you know is basically walking distance) instead of modernizing their entire public trans system, which as of 2013, has received record-breaking complaints from it's citizens over it's hilarious inefficiency and poor management.
2)There's zero logic when it comes to the dating scene
=HOT!!! 
=Ugly as a paper bag full of turds that you had to pay 10 cents for. I'm just gonna be straight up and say that I have a very hard time getting a date in this city. Like even one date. I'm not a shy dude either, I ask girls out all the time and am pretty chatty/friendly/confident by nature, but it never gets me anywhere. This is a problem I have never had anywhere else in any other place except for SF. Sure, I've been dumped/rejected before, many times in fact, but not even being able to get ONE date from girls that I know 100% are single (and straight) is something that I've found exclusively to be a huge factor in SF.
At the risk of sounding like I masturbate to my of reflection (only on Thursday mornings, for the record), I'm not a "bad looking" guy. In fact, I'm pretty decent looking. I also am in good shape, tall, have a good steady job, try to keep myself well-groomed, and am, in general, a well-mannered upstanding contributing member of society (despite that all my blog suggesting otherwise). I've never cheated on anyone nor intentionally done anyone any harm. I'd totally fuck me (a lot of people even tell me on a daily basis that I should).
So when I try to get a date from a girl I like in San Francisco I ALWAYS get one of two responses: Ether she says "I don't know you well enough as a friend to go on a date with you" (isn't the "gettimg to know you" thing the whole part of the first date? I don't want to date my sister, thanks...) or she says "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a lot right now and just want to concentrate on me right now" (I'm asking you to dinner, not giving you a ring. Just take the damn free meal!). Every. Single. Time. Normally when I get rejected in other cities it's usually an acceptable "you're not my type" or a even more acceptable "fuck no", but it's the fact the all SF ladies give similar answers is what really weird me out. And the WEIRDEST this is that this isn't exclusive to your's truly either. Every single guy (and even some women I know that aren't from here but are friends with girls who are) I talk to that is single, who is well mannered, decent looking, and not from SF, tells me they encounter the exact same problem on the regular from here. And these are guys that were getting dates left in right in other cities.
And the craziest thing happens when you take the time to observe who is actually getting dates in San Francisco and doesn't have this problem. Seriously, if you live here, just go outside for a couple hours and see what couples look like around here: All the most beautiful, accomplished girls, are always with the most homeless looking, uneducated, rude, ugly, out of shape, smelly, lazy, immature guys you'll ever see (I'm platonic friends with many of these ladies, so I'm not just pulling shit out of my ass here). And I'm not exaggerating because I'm bitter (I actually find the whole situation hilarious), that's actually the types of dudes around here girls find to be on a Chaninng Tatum level of hotness here. And these dudes they hook up with aren't a "beauty is skin deep" thing either; most are unemployed, alcoholics, cheaters, beaters, or just plain bad human beings. The worst part is, the girls that date these guys, don't think there's anything abnormal about how they treat them. The dude cheats on them or get arrested several times, SF girls be like "boys will be boys" and just continue on with the relationship with Mr. Evil Joe Dirt. And when the girl finally wises up and breaks up with the guy... The just go and and date the next guy they find that looks and acts exactly like the last one, thus the cycle continues.
And it isn't even like these guys have game or anything either. You see that drunk off his ass slob that came to the bar alone, instigates 4 fights per bar, can barely form words and dropped the last 2 drinks that were served to him? Well that is the guy that always pulls mad bitches on a Friday night. That's like if a 100% less suave and 100% more drunk Pierce Bronson never cleaned himself up when he great his hair out in Die Another Day and still managed to pull 6 Halle Berry's. I mean, I might as well quit my job, stop bathing, shaving, and live on the streets if I wanted to be a be pimp in this city.
Speaking of living on the streets...
3)The housing situation is basically an extortion scheme
I'm very happy to be living in the place I'm at, because I've seen firsthand what SF's housing situation is like. My place isn't the Ritz Carlton (Hey! That's my name too... but lame because it's not spelled with a K. K's are cool!) the shower pressure is shit, the lights flicker on and off, and shit's falling apart all the time, BUT it's basically the playboy mansion compared to what else is out there for under $2,000 a month.
Take a quick look at these postings on Craigslist:
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/apa/
Notice a trend? All the affordable places are either in horrible neighborhoods, have a HUGE list of Nazi rules (like no overnight guests and no cooking), or are basically the size of a closet. And the worst part is, people literally line up bid on these small ass rooms, sometimes even offering more money for them than the initial price, because affordable housing is so scarce to the point of paying $800 just to life in a room that looks like this:
(In case you can't tell, the shoe rack is the head of the bed)
4)Everything in the city is strictly catered to the hipster crowed to the point where it's ridiculous
Everything in SF caters to a specific crowed: Those that hate the mainstream. This wouldn't necessarily be a terrible thing, but when EVERY place is like then, then the whole thing is a total oxymoron, because you're just making the weird and obscure into... the new mainstream. Now I've never considered myself to be associated with any specific crowed in general, I hate listening to Drake, but I dig Kanye West (recovering gay fish dating a Hobbit and all), and listen to a lot of Earth Wind and Fire. I just like what I like. I don't go out of my way to be a part of a certain culture. So when I go out to a bar, event, or other social setting, I get a little annoyed when every single place goes out of it was to cater strictly to people that are overly obsessed with banjos, wine, vinyl, strictly college only sports teams, and who love talking about ex Presidents and country music. That's seriously 90% of what you'll find if you go to a 4+ star reviewed bar that you found on Yelp. Every social spot is so ridiculously non mainstream that I am tempted to lock myself in a closet and blast horrible Top-40 Beiber music until my eardrums exploded just for a change of pace.
Also, no one is ever on the dace floor at these places for some reason. It's like "why didn't you just drink at home?". People tend to not socialize with other people unless they already know them, and the whole atmosphere in all these, supposedly social, spots is always very alienating. I went to a Lil' Jon DJ event at a very popular SF club last Saturday and almost everyone in the crowd was just standing around, looking board. No one was even getting crunk (which is basically the entire point in being in Lil' Jon's presence)! Sad...just... just sad.
5)The weather has A.D.D.
(SF in July)If you venture outside on an average day in SF, you'll notice two things; 1. There's a totally different climate in each district you go to, and 2. each area's climate changes ever other hour. And I'm not talking about it being warm during the day and then cooling off at night, I'm talking it being 50 degrees in the morning, 80 degrees mid morning, 40 degrees in the early afternoon, 70 degrees at lunchtime, and then and continuous alteration between 50 and 30 degrees with wind from early evening until midnight. And every other day after that is just other random shit. And if you drive to Oakland or San Jose (which aren't far from SF... at all) you get normal Northern California weather. It's like God's retarded brother Mickey, who's also addicted to sugar and paint, is solely in charge of this city's climate.
Now, you might be wondering at this point "Why they hell do YOU live here if you have so many issues with San Francisco?". Well I'm glad you asked that, homie, because that brings me to the final thing I find annoying about living in this city...
6)You'll end up staying here because it's also too damn easy to find a good, well-paying job compared to the cities that you actually want to live in
You don't see our McDonald employees protesting as much as the ones in NYC. You know why? Minimum wage here is going to be $11 probably within the next year. That's why. It most cities, you work one shitty-ass job for years and years, struggling to get by. Here?
Well let me just use myself as an example; I went from making minimum wage at a Nike store, to working at a condo complex, to working in sales at a start-up company, to making a respectable salary with benefits working in the financial district. All within a year. I didn't hunt down managers, I didn't have any connections, I didn't fuck my way to the top. All I did was keep updating my resume on Indeed.com and applied to whatever looked like a better job I currently had, maybe once or twice a week, until I finally ended up at the one I wanted in the first place.
I would rap this article up with something insightful to take away from my latest rant... but nope.
You can stop reading now.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Black and white comics
To quote Peter Griffin; "You know what really grinds my gears?"
I can find tons of websites where people still complain about this:
Comics Perry White (Superman)
Movie Perry White
Comics Nick Fury (Marvel Comics)
Movie (and the comics for over a decade prior) Nick Fury
Comics Kingpin (Daredevil)
Movie KingpinBut I can't find any websites where people still complain about this:
Comics Baxter Stockman (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
TV Baxter Stockman
Comics Fox (Wanted)
Movie Fox
Comics Terry Fitzgerald (Spawn)
Movie Terry Fitzgerald
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