GIRL TRANSLATOR

I love women. Everything down from the way they talk to the way they walk fills me with a deep joy and some of that good 'ol fashion American horniness (restraining orders pending, I'm sure). Now girls, unfortunately, are a different story. And yes there is a huge difference between women and girls. HUGE, I say! Don't get me wrong, what I'm talking about has absolutely nothing to do with age (though I am strictly sticking to talking about the 18 and up crowd, cause you know... eww). The difference between women and girls is the sense of maturity and class that they present (or, in most "girls" cases, lack). Women tend to know what they want and how to get it. Girls have absolutely no idea what they want...ever, but expect everyone else to and give it to them whenever they want it...even though they don't know what "it" is. Make sense? No? Good, then we're both on the same page.

Women are hard enough to understand, but girls are damn near impossible. So since I have nothing better to do with my time right now (and, let's face it, if you're reading this, neither do you) I thought I'd compile a list of examples of key girl phrases and translate their real meaning for you that I have learned over many years through trial and error (mostly error) up to the infant stages of the year 2013:

Key Girl Phrases v. Actual Meaning:

• We should just be friends = I want to keep you around as a shoulder to cry on, someone to carry my stuff, and be an emergency penis in case I can't find a better one when I'm drunk and horny.

• I don't care about money=I care about money

• I'll think about it = No

• Sorry, but I'm not ready for a relationship = Sorry, but I'm not ready for a relationship with you.

• It's not you, it's me = It's you. It's so you. You really suck.

• Stop = More. Faster. Harder.

• That is so interesting = OK, that's enough out of you. Let me talk about me now.

• We totally should hang out sometime = Meh... Maybe I'll see you again... Or not. Don't really care.

• We shouldn't do this. = I want you to bend me over and forcibly **** my ****ing brains out. Don't you dare ask for permission. Come on, It's not rape until I scream "RAPE!".

Sigh...