GIRL TRANSLATOR

I love women. Everything down from the way they talk to the way they walk fills me with a deep joy and some of that good 'ol fashion American horniness (restraining orders pending, I'm sure). Now girls, unfortunately, are a different story. And yes there is a huge difference between women and girls. HUGE, I say! Don't get me wrong, what I'm talking about has absolutely nothing to do with age (though I am strictly sticking to talking about the 18 and up crowd, cause you know... eww). The difference between women and girls is the sense of maturity and class that they present (or, in most "girls" cases, lack). Women tend to know what they want and how to get it. Girls have absolutely no idea what they want...ever, but expect everyone else to and give it to them whenever they want it...even though they don't know what "it" is. Make sense? No? Good, then we're both on the same page.

Women are hard enough to understand, but girls are damn near impossible. So since I have nothing better to do with my time right now (and, let's face it, if you're reading this, neither do you) I thought I'd compile a list of examples of key girl phrases and translate their real meaning for you that I have learned over many years through trial and error (mostly error) up to the infant stages of the year 2013:

Key Girl Phrases v. Actual Meaning:

• We should just be friends = I want to keep you around as a shoulder to cry on, someone to carry my stuff, and be an emergency penis in case I can't find a better one when I'm drunk and horny.

• I don't care about money=I care about money

• I'll think about it = No

• Sorry, but I'm not ready for a relationship = Sorry, but I'm not ready for a relationship with you.

• It's not you, it's me = It's you. It's so you. You really suck.

• Stop = More. Faster. Harder.

• That is so interesting = OK, that's enough out of you. Let me talk about me now.

• We totally should hang out sometime = Meh... Maybe I'll see you again... Or not. Don't really care.

• We shouldn't do this. = I want you to bend me over and forcibly **** my ****ing brains out. Don't you dare ask for permission. Come on, It's not rape until I scream "RAPE!".

Sigh...

What the HELL, New 52???

Hey readers (all 1 of you),

This will be my first post in ages as well as my first post of 2013. Hooray!! (Applaud)

This subject is a little dated, cause the issue came out months and months ago... last year... But I'm talking about it right now. So deal.

Anywho, this is in regards to DC comics' New 52 Batman Annual #1. It features a story with Mr. Freeze, reintroducing him and providing him with a "fresh" new origin story for the New 52.

(Excellent art. The story is another story...)

Long story short, it pissed me off. And me being a ridiculous Batman fanatic, I got to blog about it. I actually liked most of the New 52 Batman stories (Aside from what they did with Tim Drake and Harley Quinn), but this one made me want to drop-kick a toddler (if I was just slightly ticked off, it would only be kindergartner).

(Spoilers ahead.)

OK, first things first. Ever since Paul Dini reinvented Mr. Freeze in "Heart of Ice" of Batman: The Animated Series, the character has gone on to be, arguably, the most dynamic and sympathetic character in that Batman universe. Mr. Freeze represented the pure moral dilemma of Batman: Vengeance vs. Justice. All he wanted was to be reunited with his wife, which he sacrificed everything for, and that was what made his character stand apart from a Joker or a Two-Face. He was a pure grey area. A villain where the only thing that separated him from Batman, was the fact that he felt that the ends justified the means. Every crime, death, or mayhem that Mr. Freeze committed was in service to his beloved wife, which made him a deeper character and one that we, as an audience, could relate to. Unfortunately, this is one of the things that the "New 52" has completely done away with (or "shat on" if you will).

The story in Batman Annual #1 changes Mr. Freeze from a sympathetic madman to nothing more than just another psychopath. The issue begins with Freeze recalling time with his mother as a child, but quickly moves to an escape from Arkham Asylum. The story seems to be going great at first; Freeze does some cool (pun not intended) ice moves, kills a bunch of guards and goes on a crusade to kill Bruce Wayne (not Batman), now blaming him for separating him from his frozen wife Nora. Seems like the good 'ol Freeze, right? That's what it seems like until the issue jumps the shark. Like 3 sharks. Great whites on steroids.

As more flashbacks keep popping in-between Freeze rampaging his way to Bruce, getting weapons from The Penguin, beating the crap out of Robin and Nightwing, and basically dealing out a heaping dose of murder to everyone that isn't a reoccurring character, we eventually come to a twist ending. And what a twist in is.

The twist is: there is no Nora. Mr. Freeze was never married. It is all in his head. He is just a complete delusional wacko with mommy issues. He keeps thinking random cryo-frozen people are his imaginary wife and starts a scenario to keep coming back again and again, trying to "save" them and killing anyone in his way. He's not a sad frozen loving husband trying to save his beloved wife, he's just a frozen nut. So basically, Dini's complex version of the character got shatter on.

After Freeze is arrested by Batman, the issues ends showing Freeze as a child with his mother again, who is now crippled and stricken with Alzheimer's after falling into a frozen lake, and putting her out of her misery, but drowning her back at the said lake. Apparently explaining his homicidal maniac behavior in the story. Wow...

Thanks "New 52" DC... You just took a complex, excellent, tragic villain with an original and interesting back story and broke him down to just another cheap Norman Bates rip-off. Which is also an insult to Norman Bates. So you just shat on both Paul Dini, Batman, and Hitchcock with this issue. Thanks again.