Wednesday, June 1, 2016

How to Throw a Party That Doesn't Suck Ass and Make People Hate You (Chapter 1)




What's up, readers?

Have you ever been to one of those types of parties that were... just... just the worst? I'm not talking about ones where you run into that nigga who fucked your girl or the one where those stupid white college kids start trying to act out Kid and Play and, true to form, induce multiple vomits and suicide attempts. No, I'm talking about shit that would otherwise be easily avoidable. Shit that is fundamentally wrong with what is supposed to be a fun, drunken, magical environment that inspires laughter, dance, seamen-soaked carpeting, and stories for your grand kids. Having a cool party isn't rocket science, but in my many experiences at many of these shitty parties, some people just don't understand how to make that shit work. They believe that if you invite over 10 people over to their house that a party is just gonna magically happen through "the magic of friendship". NOOOOOPE. 



If your parties look anything like this, read this blog post twice.

In reality, those people are going to be bored as shit and think you are boring as shit, because you failed to cater to them and instead are just fake-proving to yourself that you're popular, without actually thinking of how to entertain your guests the way THEY want to be entertained. 


"Well, Angry Biracial Geek", you may be asking, "what the fuck do you know about throwing parties?" 


I'm glad you asked, smart-ass. 






Yeah, I lost my hair later. Shut up.

Long story short, I partied A LOT in College. My own parties. I spent 3 years in college perfecting the throwing of parties by throwing one to two parties each weekend, tweaking shit each time until the results were to our (myself and my guests) liking. Our liking = a kick-ass party with banging music, a great ratio, fun shit to do, with a limited amount of bullshit, drama, and cops that lasted until, at least, 5am. Our parties were so awesome. Just soooo so awesome, that next to every other party I've ever experienced since, that wasn't sponsored by some liquor company, has paled in comparison. 


Thus, I have finally felt the need to spit some knowledge to the world on how to throw a party that doesn't suck ass and make people hate you. 


This segment will be broken up into 3 chapters: "Pre-planning", "Execution", and "Wrap Up" (no, I'm not talking condoms, but you should use them anyway). Just a heads up, incase you didn't already know, pre-planning is the most important part, and that is the part I will be covering today.



(No, I will NOT cover "how to get laid at a party", "how to be a good dancer", or "how to score cocaine".)




Chapter one: Pre-planning



Step 1: Make sure you actually wanna have a party! 

Pictured: The Twin Al Bundy Technique

This may sound obvious, but believe me when I say that some people just don't understand the difference between a "party" and a "get together". A "get together" is having a few close friends over to partake in some fun thingy ya'll equally enjoy doing like watching a movie, playing scrabble, having a BBQ, or whatever. Super laid-back, casual, and simple. Typically, these include yourself and no more than around 10 other people, and is mostly about you sharing shit you like to do at your house with an extended amount of buddies. It's improving a bond with your close friends. 


A "party" is no less than 10 people and though you and your friends may receive enjoyment yourself from the activities (and you should), it is more abound entertaining a large crowd of people. The majority of the enjoyment you receive should be from enjoying their enjoyment. Throwing a party is about being one-part DJ, one-part event coordinator, one-part bouncer, one-part bartender, once-part bar-backer, and a hundred-parts entertainer. There are loads of responsibilities and hats you have to wear to throw a REAL party and not just host a jerk-off session with your close mates. If you don't want to wear all those (and more) hats, you might wanna think about massively scaling down your guest list to something you can count on two hands or less in order for your invites to not leave only 30 minutes after you open your door. 





Step 2: Think about the kinds of people you want at your party.

I minored in "full hands hugging".

Want a lot of girls? Guys? Club types? Hood rats? Jocks? Sorority sisters? Take a moment to think of your ideal party guests: The type you want and the type you don't want. 


If you want some young co-eds, maybe get some girly drinks or drink mixers they would enjoy. You like "grooving out" with a bunch of stoners? Better stock up on some sticky green beforehand. You prefer doing shit with sports fanatics? Throw a frisbee indoors (sorry, I don't really understand what sports people do for fun at parties). 


The point is, make sure you have the people you want to have in your party in mind before you start sending out invites and keep the kind of people you don't want, or might not fit in with the type of people you do want there, out. Cater to your audience. This will all figure into the later steps as well when you figure out what liquor to buy, music to play, etc.




Step 3: Plan your budget.

No caption needed.

If you are broke, don't throw a party. Don't do the "BYOB" thing, it's stupid and makes you look like a cheap-ass. If you can't afford drinks for your guests, go party at a bar or have a small get-together instead. 


Partying is not for those with the empty pockets. That said, if you buy smart, you don't need to spend too much cabbage, but making people bring their own drinks or chip in $10 at the door will leave a bad taste in your guests' mouths on arrival and the attendee-to-invite ratio will be way lower than if you just sucked it up and dropped a couple extra bucks on that extra case of beer. Try to estimate how much money you have with the amount of people you can afford to liquor up for an ENTIRE night with possibly a couple bottles left over the next day for insurance. The worst thing that can happen at a party (besides your music sucking balls) is for the alcohol to be gone, so you need to make sure you have enough cashflow to buy too much alcohol.  





Step 4: Get some help. 

You could cut the dork-swag with a knife.

While you can maybe throw a party 100% on your own, I would highly advise against it unless you want to not be able to have any fun at your own party. Having more people involved with the party planning means that ya'll share the responsibilities and you'll each be able to both make sure everything is going well and that nothing gets out of hand. 


Also, since there are multiple eyes on all the shit that's going on, you can all afford to each take the time to schmooze with the party goers and make sure one person isn't running around putting out fires to the point where you are just better off not even having a party in the first place due to the stress. 


Having a friend or two chip in on the booze also makes the pre-planning phase go smoother as well. Just make sure that these folks helping you out are trust-worthy, since most likely they'll be helping you watch the door and make sure your shit doesn't get jacked, but more on that later...




Step 5: Decide the layout.  

Why so sober? (Sorry)

Decide where you want most people at your party to congregate, what areas or rooms you want closed off, where to store your booze, etc. If you want people dancing, where is the dance floor? Plan that shit ahead of time, so you can re-arrange your place to make sure drunk idiots don't trip over shit and sue you or break your expensive crap. Got loose video game disks, cash, electronics, or valuables you would be pissed if got jacked? Store them in a spot only you and/or your close friends would have access to. 


Ideally, you should lock your valuable shit up somewhere that requires a key to get in like a locked closet, safe, or even in the trunk of your car. You may trust the people you invite, but what about the folks they bring with them? You never know, so don't risk it. Also make sure people can easily access bathrooms and, most importantly, CLEAN UP ALL YOUR SHIT! ALL OF IT! Vacuum everything twice if you need to and make sure all your trash cans are empty.





Step 6: Get the alcohol. 

Homeless people loved my dumpster.

Your party MUST have alcohol. Yes, even if you don't drink yourself. Your guests will and parties are all about keeping your guests at the party, so get the fucking alcohol. Use the advice I gave earlier and get enough variety where you cater to the types of people you'll be inviting. 

The parties I threw usually had a combo of clubby-types, nerds, and wannabe sorority girls, so I stalked up on the types of drinks those people would usually like, such as Hennessy, IPAs and Malibu rum respectively. You'll want at least 3 different types of liquor since not everyone likes vodka and not everyone likes whiskey, etc. 


For beer, you'll want two kinds: "good" beer and "shit" beer. The good beer, will be the beer you and the guests you know the best will most likely be sipping on near the start of the party as ya'll get stuff popping off. The shit beer is the beer the majority of your guest will be sipping on and what you and some of your guests will be sipping on while you're ramping down, but don't wanna lose your buzz. You'll also be using that shit beer for all your drinking games. NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. I repeat, NEVER use good beer as the primary beer for your drinking games. If you need me to explain what the difference between good beer and shit beer is, then you need a lot more help than this blog post can give you. Also, if beer pong is one of your drinking games, it's typically best to go with a "light" shitty beer, or else most people won't want to finish the game. Make sure you have a 3 to 1 shitty to good beer ratio and put a case or two of the shit beer on reserve in case you run out of everything else before the party is over. 


Make sure you get mixers and shit too. You don't need to know how to make drinks, but your guests will probably love making their own just as well. Never hurts to show off your own bartending skills though, even if they're painfully mediocre. Take a Costco trip to get assloads of plastic cups and paper towels while you're at it. Don't use any ware at the party that you can't toss. 


Also, invest in a big bag of chips. Just in case. 




Step 7: The Music. 

If my left hand was a little lower, this wouldn't look right...

Music is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING (!!!!) at a party. Hands down. It's even more important than the alcohol or even your charming personality (that you definitely don't have). The choice of music can make or break a party in a second flat. Really, I could have made a separate post all about proper party music (and I still might), because this is the one area that most parties I've been to have failed at and, therefore, the party failed miserably. 

Your music choice is the backbone of your party and without it everything else falls apart. As I said before, you have to put your own tastes aside in order to cater to the likes of your guests. You need your guests to move, laugh, dance, and be active, not falling asleep and looking at their watches or playing games on their phones. 


You'll want music with good bass and that is upbeat. Turn off the emo shit, unless it's an emo party. Cut out the country, unless you only plan to have over the good-old boys. That shit is for those small get-togethers, not a party. If you're part of my millennial generation, the safest thing to bump is classic jams. Maybe a little old-school hip-hop, a little classic rock, some popular 80s and 70s upbeat top hits that anyone would know the words to, and a sprinkle of some recent top 40 to round it off. Make sure that it's shit most people know the words to. 


If I were to suggest one single song that MUST be on every playlist in order for the party to be a party it would be Ain't No Fun off of Snoop Dogg's classic Doggystyle album. Everyone knows the words to that song, the lyrics are funny and make people smile, it inspires nostalgia, and is very dance-inducing. Not saying that you HAVE to put that song on your playlist, but no party I've ever thrown or been too that didn't suck ever didn't have that song play at least once. The music you play regardless should have that sort of feel to it. 


Unless you have it playing just in your room when you got a one-on-one with that fly thang you been trying to get with all night, try to hold off on any slower music until near the end of the party when you are maybe an hour away from telling everyone to get the fuck out. That's what slow music does; make people wanna go home and go the fuck to sleep. 


In terms of how to play the music, I always find it easiest to use some sort of wireless control to play it. That way, if a song comes on that most people don't dig, you can quickly skip it and carry on about your business. You can also always hire a DJ, but that costs money. Also, make sure that the music can be heard in every room you want your guest to be in. If you need multiple sources of sound, so be it. Even a cheap ass little blutooth speaker in your kitchen is better than just room tone. 


Now this next part is VERY important: GAUGE YOU MUSIC'S VOLUME! Unless you want the cops at your door, make sure your music's volume isn't too loud. Unfortunately, you also have to make sure it isn't too soft either or else your guests won't be able to hear it over their loud drunk voices, so you'll need to figure that shit out and strike a good balance. What I used to do was have my friend fiddle with my sound system's volume, while I was outside the apartment listening to see if I could hear it through my door and if a potential neighbor could hear it. I wrote down the volume level number and made sure that the volume dial never crossed that number so that people in the hallways of my building couldn't hear to music. 


It's also best to let your neighbors know that you'll be having a party and to give them a number they can reach you at in case they need you to quiet things down. It's better to do all that than have cops at your door. Chances are though that if you gauge your music's volume beforehand the neighbors won't be an issue  





Step 8: Party activities. 

About to put balls in holes...Wait... 

This is another area that most other people fuck up in. It ain't enough that you have enough alcohol and decent music at your party, you also need shit for people to do!


Think about it, chances are that not everyone at your party is gonna drink and not everyone at your party is gonna wanna dance all the time, and most likely not everyone knows each other, so where does that leave them? Going home early. You don't want that, because people leaving parties has that domino effect. You'll need to think of some fun activities and you should have at least 3 going on at the same time over most of the party. 

Some good ones I have used in the past are darts (though depending on the people at the party you may need to be careful of certain folks being around sharp objects), beer pong, various card games, flip cup, and video games. Video games are always a good go-to, because if you pick the right one, it requires zero maintenance on your part during the course of the party. Just pop in a game like Street Fighter, Smash Brothers, Mario Kart, or some classic N64 Goldeneye and leave the controllers for the guests to pick up and play. Everything from there should work itself out. I'm very surprised that more people don't have video games set up at their parties. Especially Street Fighter. Bitches love Street Fighter. I repeat, bitches love Street Fighter. They really do. I was pleasantly surprised. 


Anyway, have some fun shit to do besides drinking and dance and you your party will be above average for sure. Just make sure you have all that shit planned out and set up before the guests arrive and make sure that the things you set up are some things that don't necessary require you yourself to maintain and is something your guest can at least partially pick up and play on their own after you start it off.




Step 9: Get that ratio 

I can't think of anything to put here... Wait...

This is kinda a spin-off of step 2, but it's needed specific here: Unless you doing a lame "no girls/boys allowed" shitfest, you need a good ratio of guys to girls at your party. I don't care if you yourself are single or not, this is for your guests.If there are 15 guys and 4 girls, both sexes are gonna start feeling uncomfortable real fast. 


Typically, I find it best to have a bit more girls than guys at a party, not just because it's easier for the guys there to get laid and they got shit to look at, but also because the ladies (who don't need drunken-ass dudes doing drunken ass dude shit everywhere

they go) will have more of a female presence around them and thus they will feel more comfortable as if there are a lot of girls. You also won't have a million stupid-ass dudes all trying to holler at the few girls that are there, like most bars these days. 

In terms of inviting the right ratio that's kind on you and your network. What I used to do in college was invite co-workers, random groups of girls around campus, good friends, and their friends of friends. I also always made sure to invite double the amount of women to my parties as men and made sure to let girls know not to bring any extra dudes. Just keep the whole guy-to-girl ratio thing in the back of your head when making out the invites. Your guests will greatly appreciate it. 



Anyway, that's about it for Chapter 1 on pre-planning your party. We'll continue with Chapter 2: Execution next time where we'll go over how to maintain your party after it pops off and make sure it stays on point and keeps bumpin' till 6 in the morning (yes, Gin 'n Juice should also always be on your playlist too). 


Peace.